Thursday 10th March, 2016
The Forum, Melbourne
Writer: Laura Imbruglia
On Thursday night I was lucky enough to have scored a ticket to Madonna’s super-exclusive one-off “Tears Of A Clown” concert at The Forum, Melbourne. Described by Madge as a night of “Performance art, comedy, storytelling and music”, Australian fan club members were treated to this free concert as a token of appreciation for waiting 23 years since her last tour (and as an apology from the self-described “unapologetic bitch” for cancelling her last Oz tour).
The doors were supposed to open at 8pm, so I dutifully lined up with all the other tragics at 6.30pm to secure a good spot for myself and my girlfriend Jill. I passed the time with unintelligent and Madonna-relevant instagram hashtags. It was drizzling with rain, and everyone was eager for 8pm to arrive (many people ahead of us in the queue had been camping out since the night before to get the best possible spot).
#bitchimoutintherain
#bitchineedaponcho
I’ll preface this blog with a few confessions (on a dance floor) –
1. Jill is the real Madonna fan – she’s the one who secured the tickets and loves everything Madonna has ever done. I love the 80s and 90s hits, but that’s about the extent of my fandom.
2. I really haven’t been interested in anything she’s released since the 90s. In fact, I have often felt the opposite of interest. I have felt disinterest. Or distaste.
3. For the reasons stated above, I probably did not deserve this ticket.
Anyway, I waited like a fan and I believe I at least sort of earned my place. We waited. And waited. I documented the FIVE+ HOUR WAIT with more unintelligent and bitchy hashtags.
The eager throngs were kept updated by crew members, who would do the rounds about once every 1.5 hours to inform us that Madonna was still rehearsing inside and it would be more than an hour before we’d be let in. They’d also run around saying “Get your tickets ready, guys!!” and everyone would cheer and get excited and then nothing would happen for another hour, and then they’d do it all over again. The combination of exhaustion, delirium and physical pain (mainly in my feet and ankles) led to me thinking about how amazing feet are and how much weight they hold and just the sheer magic of the foot. Anyway, let’s not talk about the wait any more. It sucked.
We got in and the show began AN HOUR LATER (Inner voice – “Let it go”)
The crowd had received a taste of the wonder to come when a stage tech finally took to the stage in a clown suit to prep Madge’s mic stand. Soon after, THE QUEEN took to the stage in her very own sexy clown suit, riding a child’s tricycle, and with a pink wig intact.
She proceeded to put on quite a magical and unique show, which I felt privileged to have witnessed. The slightly under-rehearsed set list catered to the die-hards, consisting mainly of songs I didn’t recognise, but that everyone else in the room knew word-for-word. I did however recognise a handful, most notably “Tell Me” and the classic “Borderline”, which she “never sings any more”.
(Video: Neel Morley)
Madonna had chosen this special show to try out some stand-up, share stories, and do some “clowning”. This trial element of the show was by far my favourite thing about it. Watching this legendary diva strut up the catwalk to deliver shit jokes (“What’s the difference between a tyre and a pile of used condoms? One’s a GoodYear and one’s a great year!” or “What’s the useless skin at the end of a penis? A man!”), punctuated by canned laughter, claps and kazoo samples and then the occasional “fuck you! that was good” retort from Madge was really strange and satisfying. Add to that some tap dancing and nonsequitir leg lifts, plus moments of real vulnerability and what you have is an interesting art experiment.
What possessed her to combine all these elements? Is this where she sees her famously extravagant stage shows heading in the future? Was she enjoying the intimate size of the venue as much as we were? She had to be.
On a side note, I was also surprised that she played guitar for a large portion of the set, and included a haunting cover of Elliott Smith’s “Between The Bars”.
(Video: Laura Imbruglia)
Whilst I was regularly distracted by some fuckwit standing in front of me who decided it was necessary to film THE ENTIRE SHOW on his phone, shifting from hand to hand as his muscles started to spasm after an hour, I had myself a real good time.
The show closed with a twee but charming band rendition of “Holiday” with Madonna on yuke and a crazed fan holding the mic for her.
(Video: Neel Morley)
I thoroughly enjoyed Madonna’s special show and will remember it fondly and forever. The foot pain has already passed.
